Wednesday, December 5, 2012

phantom baby...

i grew maeve.  in doing that i carried her for 42 weeks.  now that she is here, she is in my arms feeding 8+ times a day for anywhere from ten minutes to hours at a time.  we spend our whole day together.  she sleeps next to me.  we are connected.

this is why when i go to bed before everyone else and o bring her in for a feeding i get very confused.  part of it is tiredness, but the bigger part is that i carry her with me in my being.  so when he gets ready to hand her to me, i can't figure it out.  in my mind she's with me, i'm already holding's so strange.

i sit here this morning fresh spit-up on the front of my shirt, with the happiest tears in my eyes.  this girl...our girl.  it's amazing that someone so small can change things so much and have me thinking about the big things like i never have before.


  1. his happens to me too! when my husband brings me my crying 1 month old, I sleepily mumble "i've already got him right here" and pat my belly only to realize i don't have him. i think i must hear him cry and in my dream i am nursing him...or else i fell asleep dreaming that i just nursed him. it happens a lot and is kind of disorienting - so glad to hear it happens to someone else too! - sushma

  2. Yup. And there will never come a day when you feel she isn't with you. It's magical.

  3. I love you. I love Oakley and I love Maeve. What a perfect family you have. Your words are just so sweet and true. Whenever I have to spend a night away from Isla, I feel like a part of me is missing- and she is 2 and a half! I think I'll always feel this way, even when she is a grown woman and maybe a mother herself. Being a mother is awe-inspiring and YOU inspire me mama! OXO

  4. Perhaps you've heard this, but I always thought the most apt description I've read of motherhood (or perhaps parenthood) is having your heart walk around outside your body. (I can't remember who said it, though.)


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